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Japan Strikes back or Vengence for Hiroshima- A week of Garfield (NES/Famicom)

Posted 08-09-2009 at 08:24 PM by San Juan Wolf
When I think of the recent aniversary of America's light show in the heart of Japan in 45, I can't help but feel sorry for all the inocents that died . I also can't help but feel sorry for those who survived, for clearly, the efects of the bomb must have trigered some strange genetical mutation which, besides an unheatlhy obsesion with under-age girls in rather questionable fan works,has also deformed the mind of man, so desperate and desolate with grief over his countries fall from grace, that all and any way to get back at America would seem fit .

So,what did those silly litle japs figure out ? Torture our children with their beloved icons, make them despise and hate them, and conect their very image with hours of pointless and harrowing labour and frustration .Of course !

And what better icon to utilise then the anti thesis (and inevitabely thesis, but certainly not osteoporosis) of everything America screams in your face once you turn on the telly : healthiness, activity, sport , balanced diet (All lies of course ) , Garfiled .

In this epic quest, you go after Odie, who went away for some strange reason (as anyone with half a brain cell would after so much abuse as he recieves from Garfield during the course of three panels each week) . You begin your quest in the house, infested by all sorts of bugs and mice and birds , proving once again that the reason John Arbuckle can never get layed lies in his close to non existent personal hygyine . The house just screams for a deratizator, or at least a big enough elementary school field trip, every child heavily suplied with matches .

You character has one basic atack- the "one inch kick of doom" . Unfortunately, should your enemy come from a diferent alternation then when your standing , this famed martial arts move sadly becomes useless . But don't worry, there are weapons to be found ! Yes, Garfield teaches us to play with our food and throw it at people who get in our way, ingenious .

These weapons are either : an egg thingy, a spread gun thingy that seems to be made out of waffles and bones , the last of which come in the most frequent numbers, but up the chalenge by being flung horizontaly, sucessfully preventing the potential danger of actualy hiting a target .

They are mandatory to pass through the game, especialy the spiders . You see, you have no recovery time, you can't sacrifice a bit of energy on an enemy you do not want to bother with and pass by, no, cheaters of this kind shall be made to discover the error of their ways !

The enemies themselves are deadly . Deadly spiders, deadly mice (runing up against you with such speed you'd think they were happy to see you), deadly floating microscopic balls of the apocalypse and....birds . Birds that fly in groups of two's and threes and fours . Ones you can never hope to hit with anything but the spread gun, ones you will inevitabely miss, ones that shall follow you forever until you kill them and that shall be replaced by a close relative in mourning whole seconds after this harrowing task is finaly completed .

And what do the enemies prevent you from doing besides geting from one point to another ? Colecting keys . Yes, keys to doors that you will run into every seven seconds, until you nostalgicaly look back to those years when you met your first door in the game . But how do you colect the keys ? Surely not by breaking conveniently placed boxes that you can see or find hidden somewhere ? Or being dropped by defeated enemies ? No, of course not, the keys are in open sight . All you have to do is jump around every single pixel in the area around the door, praying that you will find it and then jumping towards it to colect it once uncovered, while avoiding the ever present birds . Yes, this game actualy rips off Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu and makes it looks like Megaman even graphicaly .

So, is this all you do in the game ? Yes , up until you meet up with your first boss . These battles are about as close to impossible as they get and even with save states, this makes Frankenstein's second form batteled with only two spare hits seem as easy as shooting an unarmed kraut .

And Graphics ?

Reminder to all game developers - this is the same system that has Megaman . The sameness of every level, devoidness of moving or properly utilised platforms (that don't feel like just the extension of the ground) or interactive elements (switches, buttons,etc.) makes me think more of a system whose bits and pieces are barely even one digit .

What's the ending you ask ? I gave up on Sunday, the last level . That alone can speak volumes about the dificulty of that one .

Needeless to say, I think we owe the Japanese some payback .
Total Comments 2


Beginning and end made me lmao.
Posted 08-30-2009 at 06:50 PM by Genei Genei is offline
How do I give rep for blog entries
Posted 08-30-2009 at 06:51 PM by Genei Genei is offline
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